I'm a very optimistic person...really, I am. I rarely am negative or think negative thoughts. Even when I was single, I never had those negative thoughts of "I'm never going to find a husband..." I guess you can say I have always trusted. I feel I have. I have always known I was in God's hands. The most difficult time in my life, besides IF, was when my ex and I broke up. We had one of those relationships where we planned everything out...and then God laughed. That took a good year for me to get over. BUT, I knew I would be okay. I wasn't ever worried about not finding someone else or whatever those other thoughts are.
But this IF thing, is really kicking my butt. HARD. (By the way, I still think butt is a bad word...haha...I rarely say it. But right now I needed something strong and didn't want to say ass...ooops!) It's causing me to not be my really positive self after all. I mean, of course I am still positive and go about my days pretty happy. But that thought still lingers in the back of my head about "no baby yet" and it just stays there. It makes me have negative thoughts. U to the G to the H....UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I want to say the words "I will have a baby." But is it weird that I can't. I can say "I hope" or "might" but I can't say "I will." And, it makes me sick that I can't say that because IT'S NOT ME! Where is it coming from....that damn devil! Hate him.
My goal from this post on is to remind myself that "I WILL HAVE A BABY." There I said it. But not out loud...yet. That is my goal.
I know so many of you feel this way too. Now, while I am in the middle of my novena to St. Gerard, I often throw your blog names out there with my own prayers. I just want this so bad for all of us. Sorry this is a negative nancy post. (I always tell my students to not be negative nancys..ha!) I hope my next is a more positive polly. Haha. I'm such a Dork...with a capital D!
I hear you on the negative nelly/positive polly issue. Sometimes I feel like IF has sucked the joy right out of me, which is not who I usually am. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm praying for that joy (ie. optimism) to be back in your life right now!
ReplyDeleteIf this is a negative post, I think you're doing pretty darn good! :) I love that you're doing the novena. I'm HORRIBLE at novenas. I don't know why, but I can never just follow through. I just forget! Terrible. Thanks for praying for all of us!
ReplyDeletewhen I first saw "Positive Polly" I was like "HEY, this better not be a positive PG test and I'm finding out on the blog!" haha and then almost immediately I thought "oh, she means attitude" haha. ;)
ReplyDeleteI am the SAME WAY, I'm such an optimist but I won't let myself get optimistic about pregnancy/baby/etc...I feel like I'll get hurt more if I do :-/ I have faith still! I just don't wanna let myself get too carried away...
Praying for you to be positive polly about all things!!!! xoxo!
Keep those novenas going :) And implore Our Lady to intercede for you. There's nothing Our Lord will deny her! Praying for you too :)
ReplyDeleteSo many thoughts fly around my head after reading this post. I used to say to myself all the time that I just KNEW I'd be a mom someday. I still feel like I will... but it's not the forefront part of my thoughts anymore. I am not sure why that is, but I don't think it's a negative related thing. I think it's more about letting go of the fear that my life could be "unplanned" by me, and giving in to the beauty of God's will being born out of love, not fear. (I read a beautiful quote in my Drs office this morning that I have to copy and post on my blog - it's basically about this concept.)
ReplyDeleteAnyway. Not sure if this comment made any sense at all, I'm kinda just thinking aloud..
Struggling with sub/infertility...I discovered that I became more negative as time went on. But my therapist recently told me to recite these mantras to myself in hopes of turning my life around because if you say something over and over again, eventually you'll start to believe it. Here's some of the things she had me say:
ReplyDelete"It's a strong possibility that I'm going to become pregnant."
"I'm doing everything in my power to make that happen."
And etc...
The first 100 times I said it I felt stupid because I didn't believe it. But that belief started slowly creeping up on me to the point where I WAS being more positive about it! Give it a try if you can :)
I thought you meant positive pregnancy test!! From now on you are not allowed to use the word positive in your post titles unless it's THE big announcement!! Haha!! I love that you are a positive and sunshiney person. Don't lose that, especially on account of dumb IF. I have a feeling you won't have to worry about it much longer though!! How are you feeling?
ReplyDeleteI'm so much like you! I have always been an optimist and IF has been so hard since I can't seem to see an end to it. It has been quite a blow on my outlook and I struggle with the negative feelings so much!
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that IF taught me is to be more prayerful. I don't know if I will ever be pg, but I know that my prayer life is going to get stronger.
I'm praying for you, my new FB buddy!
I don't think this was a Negative post. Just the truth.. It's so hard to say that I will have a baby, b/c so many of us have had that dissapointment one to many times! But I trust in the Lord that one day all of us will have a baby. Keeping you in my prayers! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Katie, keep a mantra in your head. Mine from my therapist was "I will have a baby" over and over again.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I can freely say about you is that you are not negative at all! From meeting you on the blog, even in sad posts your positive attitude shines through!